Castell Coch is Welsh for “Red Castle”. To find out more about it, click here.

I went there in October 2011 with my friend John. You have to pay to walk round the inside of the castle, but you can get into the cafe for free. We went in the cafe, and John ordered some food but I didn’t (I didn’t have any spare money). While I was waiting for John to eat his soup, he hatched a plan for me sneak out of the cafe and try to walk round the castle for free. 

The key part of the plan was that by having gone into the cafe, we had already passed the ticket booth. The plan was, to exit the cafe, and immediately turn left and walk up the stairs, hoping not to be seen by the ticket booth man. I tried it, and it worked. I got a tour of castle cock for free.

I’m naughty, I know. Still, I’ve never killed anyone, and that’s the main thing. I don’t think I’ve even punched anyone for many years. I’m sure there are many people who pay to enter castles but who regularly punch people, especially when under the influence of alcohol. I wonder how many murderers, rapists, paedophiles, pimps and heroin dealers have paid to enter castles. If there are any, they really need to rethink their approach to life. They should consider swapping their horrifically violent crimes for the minor naughtiness of sneaking round paid castles for free. The world would indeed be a better place if more people spent their time walking round castles instead of being violent.

I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s a far more tasteful way of dealing with rapists than the one suggested in David Firth’s hilariously disturbing cartoon Take This Pill:


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