Random Nonsense From My Brain | Laughing at the Sky

Random Nonsense From My Brain Archives

Daydream Worlds: Abstract Places Without Logic

Monday, October 1st, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Recently, while I was having a good a clear-out of my bedroom, I found a folder with a bunch of ideas in it. I think they date back to about 2008 or 2009, when I was really trying to get into creative writing. As part of that, I went through brief phase of collecting various odd ideas together in an “ideas folder”.

What I had done, is printed a load of brief ideas out, so that I could then just sit back, away from the computer, and scribble notes around them as additional related ideas emerged. The idea was to use that as an open-ended way of developing story ideas.

However, these ideas never made it into full stories. The thing is, when I found this folder, I took a break from cleaning my room to sit down and read through it all. I almost died from laughter. Then I realised, these ideas are actually entertaining enough just as they are, as mad little ideas.

The great thing about something like this is that it enables you to pack in some many more ideas, but using far less words. The rest is then up to the reader’s imagination to fill in the gaps.

Anyway, here I present to you one of the main things I found in this folder:

(by the way, it gets funnier/weirder as it progresses, so stick with it)

Daydream Words: Abstract Places Without Logic

Word 1: Desk

Me sat down at desk (work)

Normal work environment.
Other people tappy tappy tappy on the keys of sensibleness.
- Heads bouncing from side to side.

Slide backwards into own mind

Blurry, fuzzy.

Dream eternal dream of running naked down an upwards escalator

Down into underground world of one-legged giraffes driving tractors/diggers/machines/cars/motorbikes towards the Big Flashing Doorway – “No Entry”.

Traffic

Going backwards, car lights flashing, horns beeping a rhythm/tune.
Hot/warm, breeze, leaves on trees, bottles of cold water.

Nornam

After flash.

World 2: Hilltop

Standing on hilltop

Stretch to sky.
Expanse.
Feel part of the earth – growing?

Running naked down hill

People pointing
Trip over stone
- Fall inwards into my own mind.

They dance

I dance with them
Through streets, past peoples houses, slow motion, music playing.
People smiling, happy, joyful, singing, dancing.

To: Pool/Lake

Swans with extremely long necks (higher than trees).

Swim down to bottom

Giant plughole

Everyone pulls it.

Sucked down

Special Breathey Water (TM)

Made in Japan.
Shipped over on special giant hovercrafts (purple) to:
- Big Underground Factory
  - Nobody knows about it
  - Except the Wibby Wibby Men, who prance in the night
    - Wear dungarees.
    - Dance in secret corridors (dark).

Word 3: A Different Desk

Man sat at big desk

Staring straight ahead
Silence
Empty room
Papers laid out in front of him
Grey day

Sound – wind

Quiet, then louder and louder.
Lightning outside
Windows open
Wind blows paperwork all over the room.

Sudden Silence

Stillness
Paperwork back on desk
Windows closed?
Man still staring straight ahead.

Man goes mental

Smashed up room.
Jumps out of window.

Screams, gets pulled apart

Ear-piercing scream
Shakes the sky

Everything blue

Bright blue
Peaceful, forever
Nothing but blueness

World 4: Animals

Intro: through secret doorway in the sky, magical conveyor belt leading to a partially-existent mini-planet populated entirely by animals. Without human intervention, the animals’ lives are extraordinary…Horses/cows wearing boots

Dancing excitedly across field to the bouncy music of the MingMong Fairies.

Horses on rollerblades

Country lane
Race

One-legged pig

Leg in centre of body
Standing in field
- Puzzled look on face.

Cow without legs

Feet attached directly to body.
“Why am I here?”
“Why am I alive?”
Farmer in just his underpants comes to wash it with a hosepipe.
How did he get there?
- He must have found The Door, which might explain who built the skyscraper
  - [Note: I don't understand what this means at all, even though I originally wrote it. It was just something I scribbled on the paper next to it]

Cow stood on skyscraper

“Mooooooo!”

World 5: People

The world where The Door is, is a place full of the most daft people you’ll ever meet.
Access to this world is via a hole in a little old lady called Dorothy’s back garden.

Field

Man on really tall chair
- Reading newspaper/book
- Smart suit
- Loony dancing manically around the bottom of it
  - Laughing hysterically.

Policeman without trousers on

Dancing down the street, singing

Fireman (in full uniform) riding a tricycle.

Man zooming sideways on chair

Arms waving manically.
Followed by a man skipping and singing about flowers.

Night-time hang-gliding above a city

Flashing light on head
Loud speaker thing
- “I am in charge now!”
  - And he was.

World 6: The Land of Altered Perceptions

A day spend accidentally stumbling through the gaps in the fabric of reality.

4 hours in the same fall-backwards sequence.

Fall backwards forever into clouds of inner revelations, on high as if having finally solved the ultimate puzzle, knowing the ultimate truth beyond “we are nothing”, beyond “it’s all in our heads”, heyond knowing the multi-cloured core of your true self, beyond all words or logical reasoning.

A sky full of people falling.

Other Random Bits

[A bunch of other random ideas I found on some other bits of paper, which never made it into the other above bits, but were written around the same time, just before I'd formed it into the "Worlds" idea]

Man trapped

Awakes to find himself in a box.

One sock by the bed.

Skateboarding otters.

Spring trees and sunshine in underground caves.

Fall off cliff, land in music.

Telephone in a tree

It rings
Person climbs tree to answer it

Tree on wheels

Bird with a really long leg

Field where time goes backwards

So walk backwards from other side of field to gate (even though trying to walk forwards).

Red golf course

Fire instead of sandpits

Person with blue blood

Green face.

A sheep in somebody’s rucksack

wearing baseball cap.

Flowers growing from the kitchen floor

A dark & mysterious feeling/sounds
Windows open, summer, breeze

Tree in the shower

Toilet cubicle in middle of field

Big fart sound.

Fat man without elbows

Totally straight arms.
Midgets do things for him
- Tie his shoelances
- Wipe his bum

Farting uphill

Big diamond floating in the sky

Door opens in it
Man steps out and falls
Lands on trampoline
Bounces back up
Grabbed by a big hand from the diamond.

Winner of the Annual Underpants Wearing Competition

Get to wear The Giant Y-Fronts in front of a crowd (prize).

Climbing an infinitely tall tree.

Catapulting midgets

into giant bowls of jelly.

Changing colours

Trees
Men in tight clothes
- Disappear
- End up in unknown wilderness
  - rocks & trees & streams

Man skateboarding in his underpants

Big grin on face
Boy running behind
- Playing instrument that you squeeze

Man chased down street by big giraffe on rollerblades

Man is on bicycle

Hidden in bush.

Walk in park.

In the darkness

Scared to open eyes.

Awaken to find head transplanted onto animal’s shoulders.

Climb the lamp post

Wake up, open bedroom door, cliff face

fall out
slow motion
music

Car on stiltsLucid dream

Dancing in bedroom
Spin, brighter.

A black so black it’s nearly red.

Become the sky.

Become time.

Become everything.

Become nothing

Slide into another place.

Sparkles of blue.

Red sky, red rain, clifftop, sea.

Tall thin house

Sea cliff
Man at window shouting
- “I’ve seen the future and it’s purple!”
- “Look, the sky has cracked, the dreamworld is leaking inwards!”
  - Crazy things happen (people upside-down)

Wind in the bright green trees

Day away from everything.
- Such a long time since felt like this.

Secretly watching the building fall down.

Darkened skies, wind, leaveless trees.

A sky full of people falling.

Find new dreamworld

Perfect
Go there every night.
- Lucid, in total control.
Life never the same again
- Nothing matters anymore.

Dolphins Dive In Warm Orange Dream Sun (Slightly Faster Version)

Thursday, September 13th, 2012 at 7:24 pm

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i’m a red bubble you’re a red bubble floating feeling seeing something more than deep and swim and feel and see and everything everything everything feel me everything everything i feel you i can’t feel myself i don’t know who i am anymore and it feels like sunshine on my eyelids is waking me up into the sky in and out orange in and out and upside-down feel it swim inside it float and fly like everything be like something i don’t know like everything and everyone it’s all possible it’s all the air that connects us the only thing that’s real is the nothing that’s left when we take away who we think we are

i can’t feel you anymore
i can’t feel me anymore

i don’t know how
but i feel like I’m almost there

you can’t take this away from me
this
one last thing
and the nothing beyond
is bigger than me and you and everyone

Malvern Hills (Photos), Plus a Random Short Story About Strange Animals

Saturday, August 27th, 2011 at 7:18 pm

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Here are some photos I took during a trip to the Malvern Hills back in May. I would like to apologise for taking so long to sort through these photos, but I’m not going to, because there’s not really any point. After all, it’s not as if you were waiting for them all this time is it? If you were, then that would be rather strange, because it would mean that you had some kind of psychic power. The only people on this trip were me and my dad, and he doesn’t care because he was there anyway so he saw it all for real with his own eyes.

So, if you would like to see all the photos, click the photo above. I would have also included a “click here” text link too, but I decided that this would have given you a decision to make – whether to click the text link or to click the photo. For certain nervous types, this could have been too much. I don’t want to be responsible for someone breaking down and smashing their computer to pieces because the decision of where to click is too much to cope with.

Anyway, then I thought about it, and wondered: what about the type of people who get easily bored if there’s only one thing on offer? Or what about people who hate photos, people who hate photography so much that it makes them want to punch themselves repeatedly in the face? Well, for you I am going to also include a short story. So, here goes:

A Random Short Story About Strange Animals

Many years into the future, long after humans have died out because the world’s population grew so fast that 98% of them starved to death and then the remaining 2% (56 billion people) caught a deadly disease off the rotting corpses (by the way, I’ve just realised I’ve combined future and past tense to describe a future event, but it seemed like the best way to do it because I was talking about another time period which was the past in comparison to the future time period long after it which I am about to discuss and within which the story takes place), Planet Earth was full of animals who, finding themselves on a planet surrounded by human inventions, but without any humans, started to find ways to make use of all the human inventions still lying around.

(I should win an award for the longest sentence ever written)

While all the older cows are at home discussing knitting patterns, Mary the younger cow is foolish enough to accidentally walk into the territory of some car-driving, shotgun-wielding horses. At the point that this photo was taken (by a cheeky squirrel) Mary has just realised the danger of the situation she has just walked into, and has frozen on the spot in fear. Although the stilts will make her appear taller and more threatening, they will also stop her from running away fast, making her stumble forwards awkwardly and maybe even fall over. She just hopes there are no rebel chimps around, who might suck on her udders without her permission. Bananas and milk, the guilty pleasure of naughty chimpanzees.

Sheep were the first to gain new skills, learning how to hang-glide. They were closely followed by the cows who learned how to walk on stilts. I know what you’re thinking. How could these animals without any fingers or thumbs manage to tie stilts to their legs? Well, they were helped by the very helpful chimpanzees, which, having now grown opposable thumbs and populated the globe at an alarming rate, were making themselves useful by helping the other animals in exchange for bananas.

It was of course the giraffes who had the upper hand in this situation, being the ones who were able to steal the vast majority of the bananas from the trees, ensuring that they easily had enough banana currency to pay the chimps to sort them out with Rollerblades. However, sometimes they would be thwarted by the sheep who would hang-glide from tree to tree and steal them first. The sheep in turn could also be thwarted by the horses, who had by then mastered both shotguns and cars, and who would come out in gangs and shoot many sheep down out of the sky and bundle all the bananas into the cars and then drive off.

So as you can see, things were never straightforward. Bananas were a highly sought-after currency, because the chimps helped everyone. Sometimes a chimp would be lucky enough to get an extremely well-paid job, such as building a new barn for the cows to shelter from bad weather, or using the wool from the dead sheep shot down from the sky to make coats for any old sheep who had gone bald. This would earn the chimp enough bananas for him to eat for a good number of days, and he could then take the rest of the week off. Of course, thefts often occurred from other chimps, naughty ones who weren’t brought up properly, whose parents were probably prostitutes and/or heroin addicts.

Don't click this image.

Free were the animals who didn’t need help from the chimps, such as the skateboarding weasels (who had enough dexterity in their little claws to be able to maintain their skateboards themselves). The most free of all were the buddhist badgers, who weren’t interested in “all that modern materialistic rubbish” and were content just to stay in their burrows and “listen to the sound of the sky smiling”.

Head of the Buddhist badgers was Mike the Badger, or to give him his full name, Michael the Badger. Or to give him his very full official title, “Oh Wonderful Michael, the Big Buddhist of Badgerland”. Some people referred to him as King Michael, but this is incorrect, as the last King of Badgerland was King Simon, whose death (by infected trousers) coincided with the abolishment of the Badger Monarchy.

And they all lived happily ever after.

The End.

One Day I’m Going To Be Rich

Tuesday, March 22nd, 2011 at 7:32 pm

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One day I’m going to be rich and I’ll buy a house on a hill and paint it bright purple so it stands out, or maybe I’ll paint it green so it blends in with the trees, or maybe I’ll actually live in a tree, but a specially modified tree with windows and doors and stuff, and I’ll own my own field to sit in, and I’ll own my own footpath to walk on, and I’ll own my own road to drive along, and I’ll own a giraffe to ride to the shops to buy things which I can’t afford at the moment, and I’ll wear silly clothes without fear of being arrested for “looking too much like a mental person” because I’ll be rich so I’ll be able to bribe the police into letting me fart on squirrels and catapult foxes into custard, and I’ll have days where I’ll randomly wear all bright orange clothes, and I’ll have days where I’ll wear shoes that look like gloves and gloves that look like shoes, and I’ll have have days where I’ll dress in old-fashioned golf clothes and wear them to go dancing in places where there is no music playing, and I’ll invent my own type of things which I don’t know yet because they haven’t been invented yet, and I’ll create music that the government will force people to listen to, and I’ll paint pictures on peoples arms and faces on their legs and places I’ll go with the flow and dream of orange snow and teardrops that taste of strawberry flowing through the sky.

And I’ll tame a bull, but dress it in armour and ride it in imaginary battles on hilltops. And I’ll shout:

“Beware, oh foolish sheep who dare cross the path of the armoured bull warrior! You shall die, or perhaps just get chased for a bit and then forced to wear strange clothes for a few days. Either way, it’s probably a good idea to move out of the way.”

And I’ll build a castle out of apples. And then eat it.

And I will dig tunnels under ground, and stuff. And squeeze badgers.

And I will accidentally drive a car into a stream, and need to be pulled out by a kind farmer, either using a big sturdy tractor (painted red, shiny, big wheels, lots of tread still on them, like it’s not long been bought from Simon’s Amazing World of Tractors, and is probably still under warranty) or by using a team of strong bulls, who I will then buy and also tame and then place each one in a different field as guards to the Kingdom. And they will be both tame and also fiercely wild and enraged. If this doesn’t make sense, let me expain. It does make sense if I explain it, so allow me to and I will. Okay, right, so here goes: What I will do is, I will stand there in the the corner of the field, pointing authoritatively and declaring:

“You fierce calm angry tame bulls, I have trained you to be nice to me, and also to this list of kind people who I like. Here, read the list and memorise the names, and if anyone comes here wanting to have a festival or set up a wine stall or whatever, then you ask them, ‘What is your name?’, and if their name is on the Nice People List, then you stand asside and let them come into the field to dance about and eat blueberries and all that kind of thing. But if their name is not on the list, then you become an angry wild raging bull again, and you run at them and blow steam out of your nostrils and all that kind of thing!”

Or I could even buy my own tractor. Not even do any farm work or anything. Just drive it around the lanes whilst dressed in farmers clothes (muddy boots, brown trousers, green body-warmer, and a tartan cap, and with red blusher makeup applied to my cheeks to make it look like I’ve spent a ruddy good day’s work lifting bails of hay and transporting cows around from field to field in a trailor), winking and saluting at passers by. I may even have a super fast motor put in it, and then drive it on motorways whilst playing Hardcore Belgian Trance at high volume. And if I’m ever asked why I’m driving my tractor so fast, I can say to them:

“I have an emergency at my other farm which is the other end of the country. One of my cows is giving birth to [insert hilariously out-of-place thing here*]“

* Possible ones might include:

a fridge
a sheep
a new dimension
itself
its mother
its father
its uncle Fred
a parallel universe
Jesus
the sky
a tractor
a car park
a human baby
a human adult
a TV
the internet
Mars
the Moon
the Sun
the Rain
the Wind
the Dreams of Cedric Albert McDumphreydoodles
the Meaning of Life
morality
trousers

Hey, there’s a thought. Morality Trousers. Trousers that, by wearing them, make you more moral.

Anyway, on with more important things…

So yeah, one day I will be rich, and I’ll spend whole days eating nothing but grapefruits/satsumas/daffodils, and I’ll have my eyes taken out, washed, and then put back in again, so that I can see really far, like the Moon and stuff.

But until that happens, I’ll keep myself entertained writing shit like this.

………………………………………………………………………………..

And now, a video of the most insane sport ever invented in the history of Planet Earth: